What if We Fail?

What if we fail? I feel like this is a question we all face deep down inside as we confront the steps of faith God asks us to take. In a life that is sold-out to following whatever God says, there will always come the moments where God asks us to take the radical steps of faith, the steps where we can't see the end result, the steps that will effect every area of our lives, the steps that don't provoke an easy "YES!"... and it is when we confront the reality of saying yes to whatever God is asking us that we also must confront the question WHAT IF WE FAIL?

Failure is something we are taught to avoid at all costs. The moment you see the first big "F" on a paper at school you experience the shame and disappointment that comes along with it! We begin to feel the need to hide any and all failures because we are afraid of that "F" jumping straight from the piece of paper right onto our foreheads, forever marking us by our lack and by our shortcomings. Failure is something everyone has experienced in probably every area of life but it is seldom talked about, at least not talked about with a smile on our face. I say all of this because failure and the possibility of failure is something I have had to wrestle with as I've followed Jesus. Whether it be in my friendships, marriage, calling, or motherhood, I have had to face my fear of failing and with that my fear of man. When I really started to follow Jesus it was in Kona, Hawaii. I had flown there to do my DTS after only hearing about the school 2 weeks before it started. That was my first real JUMP of faith, since I had no money and was enrolled in college, but to be honest it wasn't that difficult. I had few strings attached and felt the freedom to take the jump and forever change my life! Fast forward to a year or so later and now it was time to take another jump, I felt the Lord leading me back to Jacksonville after living in Hawaii for 6 more months. This jump meant that I had to say goodbye to the community that had loved me and discipled me for over a year. Yet that jump, too, wasn't too difficult. It was hard saying goodbye but I had my family and another YWAM base waiting for me. But now.. Here I am. A wife. A mother. So many more commitments, so many more strings attached, and so many more opportunities to fail. When I was alone, if I stepped out and failed, oh well! It was just me. I'd look like a fool but I'd be ok. How thing have changed, now the decisions Mike and I make effect not only ourselves, but our daughter & our families, and this reality weighs heavy.

Mike and I have felt like the Lord has led us to take the biggest jump of faith He's ever asked of us and commit to moving overseas next year. With this jump comes the biggest chance of failure yet! Mike looked at me today as we realized again the amount of money that still needs to raised to make everything possible and with a smile said "What if we fail?" His question beckoned a response but I had little to say. It is a hard moment when you have to dwell on the fact that failure is a real possibility. It is especially hard when the truth is a step of faith has to be taken. Once your life is committed to obedience, there is no real way around doing what God has asked, even when its scary or even when it sucks. haha!

I have felt a grace from the Lord since we said "Yes" to this life of missions, a grace to FAIL. I have felt the grace to wholeheartedly believe that we have heard from God, proclaim what we've heard, and step out... only to come up short. I know Jesus cares about our hearts and I know our hearts are only to love Him and obey Him, even when the chance of failure is the highest it has ever been. I know that He is proud of us even when we fail, because after all it wasn't Jesus that taught us to avoid failure at all costs. No, He taught us to love Him and to joyfully say "Yes" no matter the cost. Even if that cost is looking like a fool to everyone around us. Even if that cost is taking our precious daughter to a muslim nation. Even if that cost is laying down our lives for the sake of the Gospel. He is worth the jump of faith. He is worth confronting the question. He is worth our obedience, even when we don't understand how it's all going to work out. HE IS WORTH IT, even if it DOESN'T work out!! Jesus is worth it in plenty and in want. He is so good, so kind, so gentle. He is so faithful to lead us and speak to us and.. He is SO proud of us when we simply say "YES!"

The grace of Jesus is so real and so tangible. This life would not be possible without it! It is honestly only because of His grace that I can declare the TRUTH in the face of struggle and in the face of fear.

I am still scared of failing. I am scared that Mike and I will step out and fail. I am scared that Sophia will grow up and wonder why we ever chose this life, a life that comes with its own special difficulties. I am scared that relationships will be strained and our judgement will be called in to question. I am scared, but the reality of knowing Jesus, the reality of hearing Him tell me He'll always take care of us... that is and will forever be the trump card in my life and the life of my family.

Here is the reality.. Yes we are going to fail sometimes. We are going to hear wrong and make dumb decisions. We are going to fail at missions and marriage and parenting. But oh the sweetness of Jesus when He comes and meets us in that place of failure, when He picks us up, puts us on our feet, and asks us again to step out and trust HIM!

Our Update Letter: August 2014

An Update on Turkey. An Update on LIFE. Finally.

New location. | New season. | New dreams. | New struggles. | New Roles. 

As I woke up from a nap this afternoon I found myself with a weird desire to pick up my computer and write an update on my life. I realize it has been a while since any formal update has been written, 6 months to be exact, and so much has happened. If you are a good friend of mine, you most likely know most of the major details and life changes that have taken place over the last several months, but there are many daily happenings in my life that I merely forget to share to even those closest to me. In fact, for me, it is many times easier to answer with a simple "I'm good" when asked "How I am doing?", for to go into any deeper detail many times seems time consuming and messy, however for this blog I am going to answer that question with a little more depth while I share not only where I physically am these days, but also the gritty details of where my heart is, as well. The reality is I cannot share everything that has transpired over the past 6 months, therefore I really want to focus on the here and now and also what the Lord has been speaking for the future. Here goes nothing..

New location.

So as many of you know in September I moved from Kona, Hawaii back home to Jacksonville. I moved home to work at the local YWAM base and staff their Discipleship Training School. I really has no idea what I was getting myself into and often felt completely unqualified, though I knew the Lord had a special plan for me in Jacksonville and I was excited for the change. The preparation for the school once I was in Jacksonville was pretty tired, with an extensive amount of physical labor trying to get ready for the 44 students, however the time flew and before I knew it the kick-off to the Fall DTS 2012 was upon us. After 3 months in Jacksonville pouring into the students and being pruned and stretched in my own heart, I set off to Turkey with a team of 16. It was an interesting challenge planning for the outreach due to several different obstacles but the moment we landed in the nation of Turkey I knew it was all worth it. In fact, as I write this update I am sitting in my hostel in Istanbul and so thankful for my time thus far in this nation!

This outreach will soon be over, however. In 19 days our team will be heading back to Jacksonville and on March 2nd they will graduate the DTS. After the school is over, the Lord has been so kind in clearly paving the way for what my next several months are going to look like. So here is a quick look at the different places I will be living and traveling to in the coming year:

February 25- Return to Jacksonville
March 18- Move to Greenville, South Carolina
May 4- Fly out to California for a friend's wedding
Mid-May- Move to back Jacksonville
July 24- Fly out to Kansas for my cousin's wedding
September 14-.....A Special Day.... ;)

*Many of these plans will be clarified as you read on in this blog*

New season. | New struggles.

So throughout the past 6 months or so the Lord has been calling me out and into positions of leadership that I have felt totally unprepared for. If you would have asked me earlier last year if I wanted to staff a DTS my answer would have been a very clear NO. I did not feel like I had the gift of discipleship nor did I have any real interest in staffing any YWAM schools. My heart was and still is for the nations. I spent many days in Kona dreaming about what nation the Lord was calling me to and where I was going to be moving with friends in the future. For me, staffing was never in the picture. Clearly Jesus had different plans for me and I am so thankful that my life is truly yielded to Him, because His plans really are ALWAYS better than my own. Once I committed to the DTS in Jax and stepped out in faith I had this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and truly feeling unqualified for the season ahead. In fact, these feelings continued into the school. It was a time of constantly stepping out into the unknown and leading others into places I was still learning myself. Most of the DTS was spent in a cycle of realizing my need for Jesus and how I really had no idea what I was doing and then walking in that brokenness and reliance on Him. From the start of the school I had no real idea of what to expect, I was just excited for what the Lord had and ready to see each student's life changed the way that mine had a year previous. I had see such a radical transformation in my own life that I knew it was possible for the 44 students I was staffing. I was specifically given 5 girls to personally disciple, which was one of the major factors that pushed me into a place of dependancy on Jesus. Many time I felt I had little to give as a simple 20 year old girl, but the Lord regularly broke into our times together and met each girl where they were at. Another responsibility that was given to me was to co-lead an outreach to Turkey. I have traveled for my entire life, but when I came to the realization that 14 LIVES were going to be in the hands of my co-leader, Vic, and I, I seriously doubted that I had any business leading an outreach. Thankfully, throughout this past season I have learned that it really doesn't matter how you view yourself or whether you think you are ready for something or not, the only option that truly matters is Jesus' and for some crazy reason He believed I was ready. That has been an important revelation for me. I know I am called to great things and I know I will rarely feel prepared when the Lord calls me! But hey, if I fail... He will always be there to catch me. Hallelujah!

This time in Turkey has been an interesting one to say the least. The Lord was so gracious in giving me an amazing co-leader who truly compliments me and is strongest where I am weakest. She has made this time here so much more enjoyable. Even though we are very different, we work very well together and are operating on the same wave length many days! I have learned how important it is to be of one mind with your co-leader. If there is not peace in that relationship first, everything else will spiral into chaos. Our team is not only a large one, especially for the Middle East, but it is also made up of a variety of personalities that have made living in a tiny apartment in Istanbul quite eventful. Thankfully, however, they have been slow to complaining and have brought me many laughs over the past 37 days. This is the first time in a long time that I have been to a Muslim nation and with that comes its own set of challenges. However, the Lord has been so kind in giving us great ministries to work with and several friends that members of the team have connected with! It has been in the hard moments too that I have heard the Lord speak very clearly to me about my relationship with Him and the moments when I have caused His heart pain through my disobedience. I learned deeper depths of grace for those around me as I have learned to walk in deeper depths of the Lord's grace for me. I am so thankful for even those hard moments on this outreach, for they have strengthened my love for Jesus and refined my character to look more like Him! This season of outreach has been quite unique for me personally. I have been in a place of learning balance and learning even deeper dependancy on Jesus. I have learned that I really suck at leading. It has to be Jesus 100% of the time or else we are just setting ourselves up to fail. As I will go into a little later on in this blog, I am not only a leader right now of a team of 14 but I am also a girlfriend to one of the guys on the team which has opened up my heart to not only lessons from the Lord on leadership but also growing in a new relationship and working out heart issues that have remained untouched for years. But oh how I have seen the kindness, grace, and intimacy of Jesus in new, beautiful ways. This has been a difficult balance at times but I wouldn't want it any other way. I have been met by the Lord in this season and it will be one that forever marks me.

Even as I write this blog and comb through the past 4 or 5 months it makes it seem as though the time has flown by, it is truly hard for me to believe that this season of DTS is coming to an end. It has been such a beautiful season of refining and learning, but I am so so very excited for what the Lord has for this coming year. Though Jesus has a way of changing plans and rearranging stuff, I believe I have a pretty clear picture of what is to come. There is nothing but joy and expectancy in my heart for all the Lord has planned! I never would have thought I would be in a relationship, finishing up staffing a DTS, and getting ready for some major life changes all before March was over but its starting to look that way!! I know that the seasons and struggles in the following months are going to be hard and different than anything I've ever experienced but I am thankful that with each struggle there is a promise that in the end I WILL look more like Jesus and that makes it all worth it!

New roles.

The main theme throughout this past season has been a taking on of new roles for me. They are each unique and challenging in their own way but I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to come into these roles!

Discipler: Though it is true that this is not actually a real word, it is the best one I could come up with to describe the role I have taken in this DTS over the past 4 months. It has been a journey learning how to speak into people's lives at the very different points that each of them are at. Receiving from the Lord and then speaking that truth into others' lives is honestly so fun, but it requires an intense amount of personal disciple and pursuit of the Lord! I have loved getting to know a good handful of girls in this DTS and then watched as they fell deep in love with Jesus. Discipling others while you, yourself, feel broken is such a unique, stretching role but it have refined me like none other.

Friend: One struggle I have had to walk through over since moving to Jacksonville from Kona has been the sudden removal of deep friendships and close community. I have realized my deep love and deep need for even a few close friends around me, but I have also realized that it is ok to be in seasons of distance while the Lord takes you on journeys away from the comfort of close community. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a several best friends who now live in a range of areas but are each so near to my heart. In this season the Lord has been teaching me the importance of valuing those closest to me and sowing into those relationships even when we are far apart. Though I still have a Long way to go in this department, am I right Sarah, I now value those friends more than ever before!

GIRLFRIEND: Ahhh.. The subject I have been waiting to get to! If you know me, you most likely know that I have been in a relationship for the past 4 months. I came to Jacksonville with pretty much Zero desire to be in a relationship and never thought for a moment that that would even be on my radar during this season. However, like I have learned again and again Jesus usually has different plans than I do. I started dating Mike Mcdonald on October 19th and it has been the biggest joy and blessing in my life thus far! I actually met Mike last year in March at a Fascinate Training School in Greenville, SC but didn't actually speak a real word to him and honestly didn't think much about him, but unknowingly the Lord was already in the works weaving together the greatest love story EVER! Mike is currently a student in the DTS I am staffing and is on the outreach am I leading. He is more than I could ever have imagined of what the man I would spend my life with would be like and I catch myself regularly amazed that Jesus picked ME to be Mike's partner in ministry and in life. I cannot wait to tell everyone our story in more detail and share all the plans the Lord has downloaded to us for the future. Though this has been a role that is so new to me, Jesus has been teaching me deep lessons on love and grace. It has been a hard, stretching season for Mike and I as we work out the kinks of a new relationship in a house with 14 other people but I have fallen more in love with him in the past month and cannot wait for the future! We will be together all summer as we deepen our relationship and plan for our future. We are moving to Greenville and to Jacksonville together and are excited for the announcements that are to come ;)

__________________________________________________________

Wow.. that was a long one :) Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this and truly care about the things going on in my life! The support of all of my friends and family means SO much. 

Please continue to pray for:

-our team as we finish of our outreach

-Mike and I's relationship

-clarity for the future

-finances for Mike and I as we begin to raise support together 

LOVE,

Jenn

Becoming expectant of the unexpected.

FRIENDS! I did not realize it had been nearly 3 months since I wrote a blog. I know I have started a couple but never finished them. To say I should write an update on all the Lord is doing is a massive understatement! I can say without hesitation that the past 3 months have been some of the best yet or maybe even ever. I will hopefully be writing more about that all soon, however, This blog post is being with a very specific purpose in mind. The Lord has completely shifted my plans for the next several months and it is my joy to share what I will be doing...

As many of you all know, I came to Kona with the plan to stay at Least 3 months and probably more. This was the first time in my life that I took a leap of faith and the Lord has so blessed that leap I took. It has now been almost 5 months since I moved to Kona and I am so, so thankful that I was brought here during this season. The community I had during my DTS has only grow in size and depth. My love and devotion to Jesus has radically increased as I spent these months going deep in the place of prayer, worship, and scripture. I came here to build an unbreakable foundation and I believe the Lord has begun to do that. Though I have my off moment, days, weeks... I am absolutely sold out and stoked for the life of missions God has called me to!

As I began to seek the Lord as to what this fall held, an opportunity arouse from an unlikely source. I had been feeling for a while that I would be leaving Kona for the September Quarter but I didn't know exactly how it would look.. and I honestly still have plenty of questions about the details of the last few months of this year. While I was in this time of wondering what was to come next, my parents dropped the idea in my head of possibly moving back home. Though at first this seemed random and not a serious possibility, I decided to take it to prayer anyways.

Here comes the exciting news...

I am SO stoked that Jesus has opened the door and confirmed that the remaining months of this year will be spent in Jacksonville!! This is by no means a permanent move home, nor is this a move out of missions! It is on my heart to give a little explanation as to what I will be doing and the main reasons I feel like the Lord is leading me home.

FAMILY. One value that has always been on my heart and has continued to grow is family. I know Jesus loves family. In fact, I know that for me the Lord wants a specific season set aside to solely focus on serving and loving the family He has given me. That is why I feel like it is such a privilege that He would give me time to be at home where I will get to be both working in missions and seeing my first nephew born. What a GOOD Father I have! He actually cares about the smallest desires on my heart and on the heart of my family. Missing Kathleen's first pregnancy has been rough on both her and I, so to be able to be there for a couple months before she is actually due is going to be an Amazing blessing.  I believe Family is the main reason I am to be in Jax for the next several months. I feel this especially strong as I begin to think about what my future is going to look like and the years I plan on spending in the nations. I have spent 6 months in Kona going deep in the Lord and now I get to spend a time specifically set aside for family... both are the perfect way to prepare for a life spent traveling. I feel so BLESSED!

CONTINUED GROWTH. I had a friend tell me a few days ago that they have started to chose future plans off of what will challenge them the most and I must say that moving back to Jacksonville will be a beautiful, stretching challenge. As amazing as Kona is, I tend to get a bit comfortable. I am now going to be in a place of stripping away all of the fluff and seeing what my foundation is Really made of! The disciplines that I have put so much time into here are now going to be tested against the familiarities of home that lean themselves towards apathy, laziness, and loss of hunger. Kona has been the perfect to learn the disciplines of prayer, worship, community, and knowing scripture and begin to walk them out. It is now time for me to test out what I have really learned and cultivated in an environment that will allow for failures and mistakes as I continue to grow. I would rather have the chance to work out the kinks in my character and recognize the weak spots in my life in Jacksonville, then to get to the nations and realize there are still major areas of growth that were left untouched.

YES, I AM STILL A MISSIONARY. YES, I STILL NEED SUPPORT. I have been so blessed to be supported by a hand full of amazing people! The foundation in financial support that I have right now is a main reason I have been able to stay in Kona, pay the bills, and thrive as I chase after Jesus. I wanted to clarify specifically for those financially supporting me and to those who have committed to praying for me, that I will still be living off of the monthly support donated each month! I will still be working in missions as I serve YWAM Jax and work as staff on that base. I hope my heart is clear in this that I am not going home for a vacation, nor to get back into my normal routine but I am going with specific vision from God and I will be working day in and day out to continue my preparation for the nations.

DESIRES ON MY HEART. I have begun to pray for the Lord to download the exact things He wants me to be working in while on the base at Youth with a Mission Jacksonville. There are a few major desires on my heart that I have for the base and that Jesus has cultivated inside of me. A main desire of mine is to see a prayer room established at YWAM Jax. I have seen first hand how important it is to have a missions movement that is rooted and grounded in prayer. The base here in Kona saw an obvious shift in the effectiveness and power of the missions work they did when they chose to prioritize prayer as a base. The value of prayer has been growing in my heart over the past several months and I would love to see YWAM Jax carry a heart of prayer and missions in an increased way! I again feel so privileged that the Lord would allow me to be a part of the shift coming to the Jacksonville base as a prayer room is established and we as the body received deeper revelation on the power and importance of prayer in missions. It is also a desire of mine to serve in the cafe currently running at the Jax base. From the first time I heard they were getting a cafe I had dreamed of what it could look like to be doing ministry out of that place. I am stoked to see what the Lord is going to do in the cafe and how it is going to be used to reach those specifically in the Jax Beach area who so desperately need to find freedom and life! Lastly, no matter how many great ideas I have my primary desire is to serve my parents and serve YWAM Jax in whatever way they need.

I hope my heart has been clearly expressed through this blog. If anyone has questions or comments please please let me know! I am more than willing to discuss each detail I wrote about an so much more. There is definitely the fears I have in my heart about returning home but I know Jesus has this time planned out perfectly and I know it His desire so I am just along for the ride! I am look at coming home the 2nd week of September so to all of my Jax friends: I will see you soon and to all of my Kona friends: this is just the beginning of life together.

Thanks to everyone who read this for taking the time and caring about my future plans!

ALSO! I will be writing another blog in the next few days to let everyone know of a trip I will be taking in October so be looking out for that!

<3

A post for my mother...

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. 

Her children stand and bless her. 

Her husband praises her: 

"There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but YOU surpass them all!" 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."

~Proverbs 31: 25-31

   Mothers Day. What a ridiculous day. I mean honestly... Lets think about it. Here is a woman who carried you in her Body for NINE months, went through hours of intense/painful labor so you could be introduced to the world, and has taken care of you every day sense. She has taught you had to walk and talk. She has provided pretty much Every meal for you from age 0-18. She has decided the best school for you, the best church for you, the best environment for you to grow up in. In fact, almost Every decision your mother has made since the day she found out she was pregnant has in some way been with You in mind!! She has prayed from you more. Loved you better. Believed in you when no one else did. Championed you into every ridiculous dream you had. Listened when no one else would. She has cried more, laughed more, and loved more when it has come to you then we will ever know. I say all this to support my first statement: Mothers Day is ridiculous. We give the woman who has made our very existence possible ONE DAY! ONE. ONE. ONE!!!! We have decided that for ONE day a year we will send her flowers, ask her where She wants to eat, and tell her we really appreciate her. And then on May 14th... It all goes back to normal. We get back to our complaining and unthankfulness. Wishing that our mom would just leave us alone. We wish that she would just Understand us. We wish that she would stop asking us where we are when we haven't talked in 5 days! We think about how great it will be when we finally get to move out and her terrible rules are suffocating us anymore. We wonder.... what would life be without my mother. The very woman that carried us in her body and molded her entire life around us is no longer honored and appreciate the way she should be... It is time that we recognize the GIFT we have in our mother! It is a gift straight from the Father! 

   I woke up this morning and remembered it was Mothers Day. I contemplated writing my mom a nice text or posting a nice facebook status, both of which I will probably do. I thought about goggling a sweet mothers day quote. I even typed in the word "mother" in my iphone Bible to see what verses came up. I was searching for something meaningful. Something that would say everything in my heart. Something that would bring a tear to my mom's eye and would maybe even convey for just a moment the love I have for her in my heart. It was after looking through several verses that lacked any sort of inspirational text, that I decided to read through Proverbs 31. I've always been told this is the kind of woman I should shoot to be. A Proverbs 31 woman is the ultimate goal when it comes to a wife and a mother. As I read through it, especially 25-31, I realized something... I have that type of woman in my life already! I have been in the presence of a Proverbs 31 woman for the past 20 years! My mother is truly clothed with strength and dignity. She has carried our family through thick and thin, while beautifully supporting my father in every dream and calling on his life. And when she laughs, it comes from a place of pure joy. There is no fear left in my mother. When I am worried about the future and trying to figure it all out, she is the one always pointing me back to Jesus and teaching me what a life fully dependent on Him really looks like. The wisdom that my mother carries is unparalleled and it is in the moments of her correction that her kindness is most evident. Within our home, she is constantly on the move, serving us and providing a wonderful home to live in. Day in and day out my mother goes above and beyond to be the best mother she can be and it is time for me as her daughter to stand up and bless her! So here I am.... doing my best to let her and the rest of the world know just how amazing of a mother I have. No woman can compare. No love can match her love for me and the love in my heart I have for her will never be shaken. I will honestly spend the rest of my life trying to convey just how grateful I truly am for the mother God gave to me. I know everyone says this, but it is especially true for me: I would NOT be where I am today had it not been for my mom. I would not be walking out the crazy dreams on my heart, had it not been for a mother who did it first. I would not have the unshakable faith I have today, had it not been for my mother who walks in absolutely ridiculous faith! I would not be able to love the people around me, had it not been for a mother who has loved thousands around the world. I would not have my love for the nations, had it not been for a mother who took me to the nations With her and showed me how to love the hardest and darkest! Most of all, I would not know Jesus, let alone Love Him, had it not been for a mother who had laid her very life down at His feet and loved Him more beautifully than anyone I have ever seen. One day is not enough to express just how much my mother means to me and just how important she is to me! This woman is priceless and worthy of hearing just how amazing she is every day for the rest of her life!

   So today I honor you, Janet Baxter. I say I would not be the person I am today had it not been for you. I say I love you. My love for you grows every day. I say I am sorry for every disappointment I have brought you. I say I am sorry for not appreciating you the way I should. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always praying for me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for taking me into the Nations for the past 20 years. Thank you for introducing me to the Lover of my Soul. Thank you for being my amazing, world-changing, Jesus loving, mother!

   Today, I bless you. Today, I honor you. 

I love you. 

Month 1: There's no place I'd rather be

Hey guys! First off, I just want to say I am so sorry I suck at keeping everyone updated! I truly need to start blogging more and sharing all the crazy things God is doing here. So yeah, I'm sorry and will try my best to get better at the updating!

Man, this past month has been crazy. As many of you know, I am on the Leadership Track in Kona, Hawaii, hanging out while I love Jesus and catch vision for the future. Honestly coming here I had no idea what the heck I was getting myself into and honestly i think that has almost helped me. For too long I've spend time being disappointed because things didn't meet my "expectations." So when I came here I was so opened and ready for God to do whatever He wanted. The schedule is pretty dang busy. So much so that I was beginning to think it was a little much after the first week. Between spending 13 required hours in the prayer room a week, memorizing the sermon on the mount, reading a different book every couple weeks, and work from 9-11:30 every morning at the farm on campus..... I honestly was EXHAUSTED in the beginning and wondering what the line between servanthood and being overworked was. I knew I had come here to serve and learn what it was like to be a servant leader, but I truly felt like the schedule was just a bit ridiculous! However, as days passed I started to step back and say "wait a minute, Jenn.... you asked God to teach you want it was like to serve, and here you are, with your hand on the plow, digging those deep wells of servanthood." I had this list before I came of all the things I wanted to learn and grow in through serving the base and when the work I was doing failed to line up with my list I jumped right back to complaining and feeling like it was all pointless. I quickly learned in the first 2 weeks that God's list of what I was going to learn in this time and my list were Very different. At first, that sucked to accept but now it is just so good! Needless to say, it has been a pretty busy month but the Lord has given SO much grace to me in this time. Though I want to crash every day about 1 o'clock there is the grace to get my butt up and make it to the prayer room, not only because its required but because I know Jesus will meet me in those times. I now appreciate the schedule laid out in the Leadership Track. I know that it has given me the opportunity to serve, intercede, worship, learn & build relationships in a way that I would have never done on my own.

Apart from all the hands on work that I have been doing, God has been doing some awesome things in my life lately. I can say now, for the first time in months, that I am at an amazing place in life! There is a deep joy, a deep peace, a deep contentment that carries me through each day. I am loving the place God has me. I'm loving the condition that my heart is in. I'm Loving the people I'm running with. Every day God is meeting me in a new and fresh way. I seriously CAN'T GET ENOUGH. I will say, however, that this time has definitely come with its far share of "challenges." Its like right when you think you're doing great, God points out another thing in your heart. There have been weekly, Daily struggles, things that come up or issues I don't want to walk through, but for the first time in my Life no matter what comes or what things I have to conquer, my heart continues to cry out "Lord, You are Good! and I love You! Lord, You are GOOD and I love You!" For the first time I know that I know that I know that God is good, He always is and always will be and its a joy to walk through the hard things. Its a joy to go to the deep issues. Its a Joy because I am being prepared for battle. I am being prepared to be sent out in the nations and I can no longer afford to wallow in my own crap while the people of the world die without hearing the name of Jesus. Point blank. Enough is enough.

On another exciting note, since being here that have been SO many opportunities thrown my way for this year. I am not planning on staffing the DTS coming up this summer here in Kona, so I have really just been open to whatever doors God opens up. For one, I know that I am not suppose to commit to anything until this module of the Leadership Track is up in June, but I AM beginning to have some serious dream sessions with Jesus. The possibilities of this year get me STOKED! I will most likely stay on the track here and still be involved in the Awaken DTS to some degree. Awaken is my family and I just want to be running with them in some capacity! I know that I'll be going home at the end of October for the birth of my first niece/nephew!! However, the rest is up in the air. Everything honestly rides on 2 things: 1)A clear word from the Lord and 2)Finances! I believe that wherever God wants me the money will be provided, but looking forward right now I literally have NO clue how! haha! I really want to make it back to the main land for my good friends wedding at the end of July and to see my sister all cute and pregnant! I will be writing more on the possibilities of the rest of this year as God says yes and I can begin to prepare but until then.... I am Loving where I am at!!

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and staying updated on my whereabouts... I'm kind of all over the place but I'm seriously Loving it right now!

If you would like to help out financially through monthly support or a onetime gift please click the link at the top of the page! If you would like to send a check or a letter or a box or...... anything else awesome my address here is:  75-5851 Kuakini Highway #87, Kailua-Kona, HI 96740-2199, USA

Love you all! I'll update again soon!

My BIG need!!

So here I am about a month away from making one of the biggest moves of my life. Many emotions are running through my head and heart as I begin the next season of my life. I am in much need of prayer and encouragement however my biggest and most pressing need is that of financial support! I have put my newsletter on this blog so that all of you can read it, see pictures of my time in Nepal, and pray about YOUR part in support the call on my life! $25, $50, $100.. Anything and Everything will be a major blessing! Thanks in advance! 

Please email me at: realityisheaven@gmail.com with any questions or if you would like to set up a time to talk! I leave April 3rd!