What if We Fail?

What if we fail? I feel like this is a question we all face deep down inside as we confront the steps of faith God asks us to take. In a life that is sold-out to following whatever God says, there will always come the moments where God asks us to take the radical steps of faith, the steps where we can't see the end result, the steps that will effect every area of our lives, the steps that don't provoke an easy "YES!"... and it is when we confront the reality of saying yes to whatever God is asking us that we also must confront the question WHAT IF WE FAIL?

Failure is something we are taught to avoid at all costs. The moment you see the first big "F" on a paper at school you experience the shame and disappointment that comes along with it! We begin to feel the need to hide any and all failures because we are afraid of that "F" jumping straight from the piece of paper right onto our foreheads, forever marking us by our lack and by our shortcomings. Failure is something everyone has experienced in probably every area of life but it is seldom talked about, at least not talked about with a smile on our face. I say all of this because failure and the possibility of failure is something I have had to wrestle with as I've followed Jesus. Whether it be in my friendships, marriage, calling, or motherhood, I have had to face my fear of failing and with that my fear of man. When I really started to follow Jesus it was in Kona, Hawaii. I had flown there to do my DTS after only hearing about the school 2 weeks before it started. That was my first real JUMP of faith, since I had no money and was enrolled in college, but to be honest it wasn't that difficult. I had few strings attached and felt the freedom to take the jump and forever change my life! Fast forward to a year or so later and now it was time to take another jump, I felt the Lord leading me back to Jacksonville after living in Hawaii for 6 more months. This jump meant that I had to say goodbye to the community that had loved me and discipled me for over a year. Yet that jump, too, wasn't too difficult. It was hard saying goodbye but I had my family and another YWAM base waiting for me. But now.. Here I am. A wife. A mother. So many more commitments, so many more strings attached, and so many more opportunities to fail. When I was alone, if I stepped out and failed, oh well! It was just me. I'd look like a fool but I'd be ok. How thing have changed, now the decisions Mike and I make effect not only ourselves, but our daughter & our families, and this reality weighs heavy.

Mike and I have felt like the Lord has led us to take the biggest jump of faith He's ever asked of us and commit to moving overseas next year. With this jump comes the biggest chance of failure yet! Mike looked at me today as we realized again the amount of money that still needs to raised to make everything possible and with a smile said "What if we fail?" His question beckoned a response but I had little to say. It is a hard moment when you have to dwell on the fact that failure is a real possibility. It is especially hard when the truth is a step of faith has to be taken. Once your life is committed to obedience, there is no real way around doing what God has asked, even when its scary or even when it sucks. haha!

I have felt a grace from the Lord since we said "Yes" to this life of missions, a grace to FAIL. I have felt the grace to wholeheartedly believe that we have heard from God, proclaim what we've heard, and step out... only to come up short. I know Jesus cares about our hearts and I know our hearts are only to love Him and obey Him, even when the chance of failure is the highest it has ever been. I know that He is proud of us even when we fail, because after all it wasn't Jesus that taught us to avoid failure at all costs. No, He taught us to love Him and to joyfully say "Yes" no matter the cost. Even if that cost is looking like a fool to everyone around us. Even if that cost is taking our precious daughter to a muslim nation. Even if that cost is laying down our lives for the sake of the Gospel. He is worth the jump of faith. He is worth confronting the question. He is worth our obedience, even when we don't understand how it's all going to work out. HE IS WORTH IT, even if it DOESN'T work out!! Jesus is worth it in plenty and in want. He is so good, so kind, so gentle. He is so faithful to lead us and speak to us and.. He is SO proud of us when we simply say "YES!"

The grace of Jesus is so real and so tangible. This life would not be possible without it! It is honestly only because of His grace that I can declare the TRUTH in the face of struggle and in the face of fear.

I am still scared of failing. I am scared that Mike and I will step out and fail. I am scared that Sophia will grow up and wonder why we ever chose this life, a life that comes with its own special difficulties. I am scared that relationships will be strained and our judgement will be called in to question. I am scared, but the reality of knowing Jesus, the reality of hearing Him tell me He'll always take care of us... that is and will forever be the trump card in my life and the life of my family.

Here is the reality.. Yes we are going to fail sometimes. We are going to hear wrong and make dumb decisions. We are going to fail at missions and marriage and parenting. But oh the sweetness of Jesus when He comes and meets us in that place of failure, when He picks us up, puts us on our feet, and asks us again to step out and trust HIM!